The end of this decade has arrived, but a new one is just beginning. Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak articulated this best when, last week, he remarked how “one-tenth of the 21st century is [already] over”. As this decade comes to an end, the Umbilical Chord team decided to recall the songs that really made our ears bleed. So, let the mayhem begin!

2000:
Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee) Whenever this one-hit-wonder plays over the intercom in a supermarket or shopping mall, I usually run screaming. This may be due to unrepressed memories of one of my classmates, at the time, wishing this song would replace the national anthem. Doesn’t The Star Spangled Banner sound good now?

Creed – Higher See Nickelback

2001:
Crazytown – Butterfly The lyrics for this musical masterpiece, quite frankly, speak for themselves: “Such a sexy,sexy pretty little thing/Fierce nipple pierce you got me sprung with your tongue ring”. They are so subtly suggestive, yet so powerful. Is it any wonder that Crazytown hasn’t had a single this popular since 2001? No worries, the boys are currently at work on a new album despite the loss of their former bandmate, the recently deceased DJ AM.

Dream – This is Me Remember the girl groups of the 1990s? Dream’s short-lived fame bridged into the 2000s. This gem includes the lyrics, “That girl never was no good”. Ah, music to an English major’s ears.

2002:
Avril Lavigne – Sk8er Boi Never use chatspeak as the basis for a song title unless it’s meant to either a) be a parody or b) be an internet meme. If you are attempting neither, you may have a problem, and not just with spelling. I’m not sure what’s worse about this song, the grating vocals or the completely idiotic lyrics. You choose.

Ja Rule featuring Case- Livin’ It Up Nothing about this song is inherently much worse than any other Ja Rule song. Ja Rule’s voice is scratchy and has none of the charm of folk or blues singer songwriter. Instead, Ja Rule sounds like a bad artist suffering from a sore throat. Also, this song is simply terrible.

2003:
Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes Newly successful pop musicians enjoy playing homage to established acts that they supposedly grew-up loving. Sometimes, the result is harmless; endearing yet average like Mandy Moore’s 2003 album, Coverage. Often, however, the vamped up version is utter chaos, an insult altogether to the original song. Such is the case with Limp Biskit’s cover of The Who’s Behind Blue Eyes. Why is nu-metal band Limp Biskit covering The Who? Poor John Enwistle and Keith Moon are surely rolling in their respective graves.

Clay Aiken – Invisible If you feel like someone might be watching you right now, you may be right. Clay Aiken’s song, “Invisible”, from his debut album, Measure of a Man, tells the haunting account of a stalker wishing he could watch his lover at all times. Something about this message doesn’t mesh well with Aiken’s image of a squeaky-clean, candy-coated, southern boy. “If I was invincible/Then I could just watch you in your room/If I was invincible/I’d make you mine tonight” I’d recommend holding on to that pepper spray, just in case.

Hoobastank – The Reason Were you alive in 2003? If you were, you’ve heard this song no fewer than 700,000 times. It was just as much a whiny ballad the first 699,999 times.

2004:
Kevin Lyttle-Turn Me On Few songs are as annoyingly high-pitched as anything by Alvin and the Chipmunks. And, if they are, they are usually song by prepubescent boys. Then there’s Kevin Lyttle. Lyttle has the audacity to combine the comic shrillness of his voice with a bad auto-tuner. Maybe if this song didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have seen such an emergence of the auto-tuner in 2009.

Ruben Studdard- Sorry 2004 What was Ruben Studdard doing in 2003 that was so bad he needed to record a song called “Sorry 2004” the previous year. Perhaps it took him until then to realize “for” rhymes with “four”; or, he remembered that even Clay Aiken sold more records than he did. On the bright side, at least he wasn’t in “From Justin to Kelly”.

Simple Plan – Welcome to My Life This song launched the emo movement that led to the Myspace era. The whiny vocals coupled with the stereotypically angsty video doesn’t work for a group of boys that obviously aren’t in high school any more. Note: If you are above the age of 15, you will not be able to understand the lyrics. “No you don’t know what it’s like”

Nickelback – Figured You Out Not only is this song raunchy, it’s sung by Nickelback. Chad Kroeger’s raspy voice singing, “I like your pants around your feet” isn’t something anyone wants to hear.

2005:
Weezer - Beverly Hills This song clearly marked the beginning of Weezer’s downfall. Just be glad we’re not making you listen to Ratitude.

Black Eyed Peas – My Humps Self explanatory.

2006:
Paris Hilton – Stars are Blind Paris Hilton should not be recording music. Sure, from a financial standpoint, selling a record at the height of her fame seemed like a good idea. Okay, and somehow this song topped the charts in Canada, Ireland and the UK. Still, I’m puzzled why Hilton would choose to dabber in reggae rather than sticking to simple bubblegum pop? Fortunately, we may never know; Hilton is having trouble finding a label to release her sophomore album.

Fergie – Fergalicious While we can applaud Fergie for her clever use of the portmanteau (Fergie + delicious = Fergalicious) , her other attempts at language manipulation are laughable. Why, for instance, spell the word “tasty” with an “e”? Do children forced to listen to the radio really need to be further punished by learning to misspell the word “tasty”? Then again, this song is from the same album that brought us “London Bridge”.

2007:
Soulja Boy - Crank That (Soulja Boy) In the 1980s, Wang Chung made the mistake of making their name synonymous with a song. “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” encouraged listeners to “Wang Chung tonight”, though I’m unsure as to what that even means. Crank That, similarly, highlights the art of the “Soulja Boy” dance. How this song or the associated dance became popular puzzles me? Am I the only one who actually read the UrbanDictionary definition of “superman that hoe”?

Katy Perry - Ur So Gay Perhaps I have a personal vendetta against this song because the description of the so-called closeted gay man sounds a little too much like every guy I’ve ever dated or several that I wanted to be involved with but never quite worked out. That and it seemed a little too ironic that her follow-up song was about kissing a girl and liking it.

Sean Kingston – Beautiful Girls Not since Kevin Lyttle has any artist demonstrated his ability to sing in such a terrible falsetto. Plus how can anyone really take these lyrics, “You’re way too beautiful girl/That’s why it’ll never work/You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal” seriously.

2008:
Ashlee Simpson - Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya) Ashlee Simpson (much like her sister) used to be a Top 40 radio staple. Then, after the success of her sophomore album she released this song. Simpson, not surprisingly, hasn’t had much radio play since.

Fall Out Boy - What a Catch, Donnie Dear Elvis Costello, Why did you collaborate with Fall Out Boy? Sincerely, your former fanbase.

2009:
Justin Bieber – One Time Justin Bieber is 15, looks 12, and sounds like an average boy in his middle school choir. Somehow he’s become friends with Usher and the first artist to have every single song from an album (his debut, nonetheless) chart in the US. Does a free car come with purchase of his CD? If not, I’m surely missing something.

Black Eyed Peas – Boom Boom Pow I am not exaggerating when I say these are actual lyrics, “I’m so 3008 / You so 2000 and late”. This song may be pitiful but the marketing behind it is sheer genius.

Contributors:
Sandhya and Arun